Monday, November 06, 2006

Beaten Down

This past week I feel like I've been beaten down time after time on several different fronts. But before I share about this week, let me just say how good God is. I've been concerned recently that the only things coming out of my mouth are self-centered complaints: that I'm becoming "calamity girl" who only has a new story to share about her own woes and very little of anything edifying to offer. If I grow in any way from this, I hope I become a person who offers praise to the Lord at all times and who considers others' hurts and needs before my own. Not quite there yet...still a far way to grow.

But God has been good. He has continued to fill me with joy. Concerning my Christmas concerts, He is taking care of them. He is helping me find the people and resources I need to get ready for the concerts early. He is helping the children to learn their music and, I believe, love it as much as I do. They are right on schedule, I think, for this time in the preparation weeks leading up to the concert. God has provided for many opportunities for me to talk to them about Christ, His birth and why He came. I am sorry I have not seized even more of those opportunities, but at each one, it always seems that there are one or two students in particular who are really intently listening. All listen politely, all are hearing, but some students really seem to want to know. Today I shared my testimony with the K5 classes, which was so cool for me because I was 5 myself when I first received Christ! And in one of the songs they are learning it says that Jesus was "born to save the world from sin, born to make us new within" - which is exactly how I felt after I "invited Jesus into my heart." They also listened eagerly to my story.

God is also continuing to build a community for me here. In addition to the wonderful MTW retreat, I've spent some very good times with large groups of ICS teachers (at the "Fall Party" and again tonight at a BBQ for everyone in our apartment building) and enjoyed getting to know them all better. I'm also enjoying meeting and praying with Kristi and Amber, my two "spiritual partners" on a weekly basis. And a few times recently, two of the other girls in my apartment building (Jen and Shawnna) and I have cooked and eaten dinner together, which was a really wonderful time of fellowship.

Oh, and God gave me a very special gift last week! I was walking back to my apartment after swimming laps and all the sudden, I smelled home!!! I stopped short and took a big whiff and then searched around to try and figure out where in the midst of Bangkok (which typically has a very wide variety of smells, ranging from street food to exhaust/gas/pollution to a backed-up sewer) I could be smelling my yard and neighborhood. I realized that it was coming from a whole row of trees on the one side of the Elementary building. They have hundreds of little flowers that had fallen and scattered all around that walkway and they smelled exactly like the Jasmine vine in our backyard at home. Someone told me later that those are Jasmine trees - which I didn't even know existed, but it makes perfect sense ("scents" - ha, ha! alright, bad joke...). So God gave me flowers - not a bouquet but about 6-7 trees of them - with my favorite aroma in the world. : )

It seems that every time I am filled with joy or pleasure in my work or life in Bangkok, though, something happens to either shake it or takes so much needless energy that it almost distracts me from it. This week it seemed to be a series of "little" things that led to one frustrated and then really sick Catherine. First it was my bank card again - which got eaten by the ATM machine on campus. This meant rushing to the bank two more afternoons after school to apply for and then pick up my now third card (and trying to communicate my needs to the workers at the bank when they don't know English and I don't know Thai). Then I've had a least 3 more nights this week when mosquitoes either woke me up or kept me up. The second night, I was so angry at the mosquito that had bitten my arms, face and even feet - yes, they were under the sheets - and frustrated at not being able to sleep that I got up and googled "mosquitoes" trying to find out if there was anything else I could possibly do to get them out of my apartment (I have already tried a whole list of things) or make myself less desirable to them. As to the last thing, I discovered that I can stop using scented soap/shampoo (which I may try), stop being "warm" at night and stop breathing (they like CO2). I've tried a few other "apartment" things since that night which have helped a little but have not completed eradicated them. And looking around me this evening, I think I'm in for another frustrating night of sleep.

Then Wednesday, after a week of feeling more healthy again, I had a headache all day, which turned into a sinus headache and fever on Thursday which then worsened and turn into a few other things Friday and Saturday. I taught Wednesday and Thursday, but had to leave after one meeting on Friday (our "inservice" day) because I was too weak and tired to sit through meetings. I stayed in my apartment almost the entire two days and felt worse (and ate less) than I had in a long time. Needless to say, my grand weekend plans of going to the High School International school choral festival and going Christmas shopping with some of the Thai girls who work at ICS were cancelled. I was pretty discouraged and, well, beaten down.

God was good to me in the midst of the sickness. I did not get as depressed as I have at other times in the past few months when stuck up alone in my apartment for a whole day or more. Probably part of the reason was I had a few visitors! (And was able to talk to my family and a few friends long distance too! : ) Amber particularly blessed me by bringing over a whole load of "Catherine Get-Better" stuff: chicken soup (Thai style), bottles of water, tea bags, gatorade, bread, Beth Moore DVDs and more. She ate dinner and talked with me a bit on Friday night. God showed me He could still take care of me when I feel miserable, even when my family is not near to help. (Although I will say just hearing my mom's voice when I called her made a HUGE difference in how well I felt!)

So why? Why all of these things at once? I'm so glad I talked to both Kim and Dave on Sunday at/after church about this week. I had been wondering what I was doing wrong. Trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me. Have I really been trying to do so much in my own strength that He keeps having to break my strength to prove it's Him? I haven't really felt like I've had a chance to feel strong in a while - at least not strong enough to do great things "for" God. Both Kim and Dave in two separate conversations said that it really sounds like spiritual warfare. That Satan hates it when God's children take pleasure in their Father and that, of course, he's going to do his best to strip it away in whatever means possible. Dave also talked about the ways he's seen Satan try to strip away different team member's sense of calling with repeated attacks in certain areas. In a lot of ways, this week (and what he said) only strengthens my sense of calling to be here doing what I'm doing. Praise God for grace-filled, Godly counselors.

Please keep praying. Not only for me, but for the rest of the MTW team as they also have dealt with ministry frustrations, sleeping problems and health concerns since the retreat. Also, please continue to be in prayer for the Christmas concerts and the hearts of the children that are growing more and more dear to me each week.

3 Comments:

At 7:04 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Dear, sweet friend--
If you are indeed "calamity girl" it is only internal as far as I can see from your posts. In everything you relate, I see your dependence on God and a joyful spirit in praising Him for even your woes. Much of what you say is edifying, and if indeed this is spiritual warfare, one of the best ways to combat it is to share your neediness with others who can pray for you and love you through it. Be encouraged! Our great God will use all of these trials to further His kingdom and bring Himself great glory . . . and WE get to be a part of it . . . and He uses it for our good too! How great is that?!?! I love you and the boys and I are praying regularly.

 
At 6:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet Catherine -

1) Ikea sells pretty bed-netting to keep out mosquitos (like Tara's idea)... can I send you some? Will it arrive through the mail ok?
2) Your description of being on the street and smelling home brings tears to my eyes. What a precious moment, Cath. See you there in just a few weeks... and then we can both hug our moms to no end...
3) I love you so much. I will be praying for you, dear "twin."
Elizabeth

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but it makes perfect sense ("scents" - ha, ha! alright, bad joke...). OK...that statement reminded me soooooo much of Clint it's not even funny. Anyway, Home misses you too! ;) all i got to say is..........BUG SPRAY!!!!!!! Load it into a squirt gun and shoot the bugs! ( I know another one of my stupid ideas).

You (let me say it again) are AMAZING...really! You're soooo cool! I hope that you're having fun over there!

Hey, just remember Romans 8:28
"And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God,to them who are the called according to HIS purpose." I've got to say...you are living proof that their IS a God who DOES guide and protect!

I love you and want you to know that I am praying for you sooo much you are on my mind every day! I <3 you!
Love,
~Rachel~

 

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