Heart to Change the World
Tonight while I was praying I turned on the song "Heart to Change the World" and almost immediately started weeping. If truth be told, I was already crying before I listened to that song, but when I heard the words of it again, I completely lost it. Partly because it brought back so many precious, precious memories of my children's choir kids at Pinewood and my own family and the process we all walked through and grew in the year before I came to Thailand as we worked on that musical. It made me miss home and long for everyone there
so much! And not only that, but ache for the continued growth of all those I love at home in having a heart for the nations. I prayed for many of the children by name tonight...I wished I had my old choir roster in my hands so I wouldn't forget anyone!
But I also wept because of my own heart and what those lyrics revealed in what is lacking within. Do I really have a heart to change the world? Supposedly I'm in Thailand for that reason, but is that what is really driving me being or staying here?
The last few weeks have been filled will longer, more intense times of seeking God's face as I try to figure out what He desires for my future. He has not yet made the "ICS decision" clear, but He has most certainly heard my prayers and has met me in those times of praying with His Spirit to do His work in my heart. He's been revealing many things to me - much about Himself and much about
myself. Lots of sin and impure motives in my decision-making have come to the surface and have needed to be confessed.
Tonight was no exception. Do I have a heart to change the world? Do I long for my students and Thai friends and neighbors to come to know Christ? I've been thinking a lot this past week about the great things - almost miracles! - God has done in response to my/our prayers. He is so powerful and truly does hear when we cry out to Him! Every prayer answered has encouraged me to pray more often and more specifically and then to wait more expectantly for Him to answer it. I think about how hopeful and even sure (Heb. 11:1) I was that the Lord would return the violin - and He did! Why don't I pray that specifically and expectantly about vastly more important things than lost violins and teacher openings at our school? God has been revealing my prayerlessness and faithlessness when it comes to the salvation of my students. I often try to be - and hopefully am - faithful in proclaiming the Word during class (with more or less passion, depending on the day or subject at hand), but so often I just figure that all that I say either will or won't be remembered by these students and that eventually everything that all of us teachers are teaching them about the Word will not return void but will accomplish what God desires. I believe all of that to be true, from what the Bible says, and it keeps me humble knowing that whatever comes of my little service is God's work. But there is no urgency or expectation in that and I am rarely ready to see God's work when it does happen.
God has been convicting my heart to pray for my students more specifically and to be more watchful about His work in the
near future. One thing I've started to pray for (and that I would ask you to also pray for, my effective pray-ers!) is for one-on-one, "gospel" conversations with my older students. With around 200 students, it's rare to ever have one-on-one conversations with any of them, but more often this past year, I've had students come to my room after school to pick up instruments or practice or hand in assignments. It's been fun to see them more often and get to know them a bit outside of class, but please pray that some of those conversations will be longer and go deeper. And pray that I'll be ready for them when God does answer this prayer! : )
The Lord is so patient with me and my apathetic, faithless heart! It is moments like these that I am so grateful my salvation and His forgiving of me rests in something (Some
one) other than myself - something so sure, that is already completed. Thank the Lord for His great mercy!
You and I've got to have a heart to change the world
Let the song start to sing in every boy and girl
Start to share, start to care, from a heart of love
Let the world know that Jesus loves them
Jesus told us to go and share in every land
Over seas, through the hills, across the desert sand
Start to share, start to care, from a heart of love
Let the world know that Jesus loves them
How will the people know? How will the people know?
How will the people know unless we show them?
By God's grace, in God's strength, we can change the world
Let the world know that Jesus loves them.
Our Omniscient, Omnipotent God
God has shown Himself powerfully to my 5th Grade class, just like I asked Him to! Just a few minutes ago, I was cleaning up the string room, straightening the chairs in my anal way, and I saw some instruments lying around that students had failed to pick up for the weekend. I decided to check the labels on the cases, as I've done the last few weeks, to see if God had answered my prayer to return Boom's violin. I must admit, the last week and 1/2 I've been pretty discouraged about that whole situation, about our administration's decision to
not replace his instrument, and even a little disappointed in God for not answering our prayers as a class and my own frequent prayers to bring his instrument back. But encouraged by the Hudson Taylor biography I've been reading a little more of recently, I decided to keep praying and keep looking. And God proved Himself worthy of my faith and waiting on Him! I found a violin with Boom's name all over it lying on the floor of the string room, just where he said he had left it in the first place. It obviously hasn't been there for weeks and I have no idea how it got back to that location, other than that perhaps God Himself brought it back. I picked it up, opened it to make sure the violin was still actually there and then raced up to one of the 5th Grade rooms to check with Boom to see if there was something I didn't know. He was as surprised as I was and the whole class cheered and clapped when they heard the good news. I was able to share with them this work of God and God's love for us demonstrated through it and then we all stopped to pray and praise God together (I totally interrupted poor Ms. Marina's social studies lesson to do all this, by the way - although I don't think the students minded!). So exciting! My heart is full of praise!
While I had been cleaning, I had a CD of chapel music jamming in the music room and one of my favorite songs on that CD was on, one that speaks of God's greatness and power. The chorus is
"This God, He is Our God, forever more and ever more. He'll be our guiding light from now until the end of time. Alleluia." I love it because it's almost feels like bragging when singing those words. That's what I feel like doing right now: bragging on my God!
Next Step
Mom and Dad told me a few weeks ago that people at home have been asking what my plans are for next year. People have been asking since
last year when I came home at Christmas and I've been saying the same thing each time: "I feel like I need to wait until I've gone back after the summer and live some of a “second year” in Bangkok before I'll be able to make an informed decision as to how long I should stay here." The first year was such an emotional rollar-coaster ride - with one minute me being thrilled to be here, the next ready to pack up and move back home - it was hard to even begin to see clearly what God had for me.
The last few months of this "second year" have been good. One of the best parts about it has been being in the same place more than one year, not having to face constant "newness" and not having to worry about making a massive, life-altering decision. I decided to not even seriously think or pray about the upcoming decision of next year until the middle of October, not so much because I didn't want seek God about it, but more that I wanted to enjoy where He had placed me and thought that the best act of trust in His guidance and provision would be to actually
not think about it constantly. And He has given me the grace to not worry about it.
Well, it's the middle of October now and I was reminded of that fact by an email from our administration saying that letters of intent would be passed out next month and then would need to be returned by
early December (earlier than they were for teachers last year, due to struggles with recruiting teachers this year). So consequently the "decision" (I feel like that word should be accompanied by some ominous "dum, dum, dum DUM" kind of sound effect!) is now occupying much more of my thoughts and prayers.
Last weekend, I must admit, I began to get more anxious about it too. There are pulls on many sides: many possibilities exist, all of which seem to be very good and all of which tug at at least one piece of my heart. So I need much prayer for guidance as I walk through this process of sorting through things and determining where God wants me to be next year.
The beautiful thing is, however, that the anxiety of last weekend was short lived. God is really giving me the amazing ability to wait on Him about this and to be content in not knowing the full picture. That has almost never been the case in the past. But the more I live life, the more happy I am in knowing only the little bit that lies ahead and being able to entrust the rest to God. I remember one time when I was a teenager, I came to my dad, asking him about the future and why didn't God just let us know everything that was going to happen at one time. My dad asked me instead what I would think if God told me that twenty years down the road I'd be taken captive in a foreign country, watching my husband and children being brutally murdered before my eyes - would I
really want to know the whole picture? I decided I probably wouldn't be able to handle that knowledge. It's a hard thought but one that's stuck with me. And it's true - the more things that happen in my present, I realize that several years ago I would not have had the ability to accept or handle them at that time. But God's grace is sufficient for
each day when it arrives: it's not early and it's not late. So I
delight to wait on Him in the knowledge that whatever He asks of me for next year, the ability to do that thing (or accept His will in that) will also be there when the time arrives.
The other beautiful thing that He's been doing through this time of seeking Him is He
has been making my path clear and
has been guiding me as to what I should do, just as I've asked Him to. Last weekend I prayed that He would speak into my confusion through His word and He DID! Through Scriptures quoted in a sermon I was reading and then the next day in a sermon I heard in worship. And it was such a direct answer to my questions that I felt like both were spoken to ME! (The same thing happened again in yesterday's sermon, except in that case I really am suspicious that Dave was directing his comments at me! : ) And not only that, but my parents have shared some very insightful things, not only about my different "options" but about where they (who know me so well) see my heart is and what their own hearts are leaning towards. Thank God for godly parents who love the Lord and are so incredibly wise!! So God is making it clear, step by step, and I feel confident that He will bring me to complete peace as to how I should respond in December.
Some of my favorite verses that I keep going back to…
”Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!...How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” Isaiah 30:18-21
Boom's Violin
And speaking of 5th Grade strings... (It seems like that's all I've been speaking of on this blog recently!) We have a problem. (Translation: we have a situation in which I and others have been shown to be powerless and therefore we have an
opportunity for God to show Himself powerful in our midst!) "Violin Boom" came to me after school 2 weeks ago saying that his violin was not in the string room when he went to pick it up. The music faculty at ICS has been requiring this year for the students to all label their instrument cases and keep them in the music rooms during the school day so as to keep them safe. Well, somehow our plan faltered. Boom, being the good student that he is, labeled his violin case outside and inside and left it in the string room after class. At the end of the school day, it was gone. I have no idea what happened. In the past couple of weeks we've questioned the students, teachers, maintenance/cleaning staff - no one has seen it. I thought probably someone picked it up by mistake - there
are 26 other violinists in that one class! - but no one has admitted to that. I hate to think of theft, but I really don't know what to think anymore. Sadly, Boom got in trouble with his parents when he got home and his Dad has come to school asking about it several times. We (music faculty and administration) are currently discussing our policy on instruments and who is responsible in a situation like that (I think the school is...) but for various reasons, haven't made a decision yet.
In the meantime, I've been praying. Alone and with my students during class. And the more I pray, the more I'm convinced of the fact that the omniscient God I trust in knows
exactly where that violin is and saw it when it left the room and that the omnipotent God I pray to is
able to bring it back! It's been a really neat teaching opportunity to share these facts with the kids as we pray together and I'm almost excited that God has brought up this situation. However, the more I pray (especially with the students), the more hopeful I become that God will work mightily in this situation, not merely so that Boom will have his violin back, but so that the 5th Graders will see that God really
is omniscient and omnipotent and able and willing to answer our prayers. I'm no longer concerned about Boom getting a violin - it looks like if it doesn't show up in the next few days that the school will
most likely pay for him to get another one. (If they don't, I might!) Right now I'm afraid (in my flesh) that God will miss this opportunity to reveal Himself to the students. (I know that's silly. His way is best and if He chooses not to work in the way that I currently think would bring Him most glory, I'm sure He has other plans for making Himself look good in this...) Would you please pray with me for a great demonstration of God's power? And further, that hearts in my class (and in Boom's family) will be changed because of it? Not sure if I'm crazy or just excited but I want so much for this to happen! : )
Sad
Just after the "high" of International night when we celebrated our school's diversity... This morning I was changing the seating arrangment of my 2nd grade class for the 2nd quarter (hard to believe we're 1/4 of the way through the school year already!!). When I told one of the Thai boys to go and sit by another boy, he made a face and sat down only halfway on the chair, as far away from the other boy as he could possibly get while still being considered in that chair. One of the girls in the class (who enjoys pointing out the misbehavior of others : ) said that this boy didn't like being around the other boy - because of his dark color. It made me so sad (and angry!). Boy #2 is a precious Indian student with a perpetual toothless grin. It grieves my heart that those feelings even exist at our school, but the longer I work here, the more racism and "separatist" attitudes I see in our students. I didn't respond to the whole thing very well today in class - I was so taken aback I didn't really know
how to respond - but it really seems like it's an attitude that I can't change anyway. God needs to do a work in this boy's heart and in all of our hearts to give us a true love for those who are different - and only
He can make that change.
"Musician in the Rain"
I've been wanting to take this picture ever since coming to Bangkok. This is my imitation of the poster on Mr. Bjella's (my cello professor at Stetson) wall. The real photograph was a black and white of a man in a raincoat, standing beside a street in Paris, France. Well, this is my SE Asian rainy season version, complete with palm trees and roosters in the background!
And speaking of the rainy season, the weather here has been overcast and dreary, if not outright raining, ever since I returned in August. When I was at home this past summer, my grandmother told me that every time she looks at Bangkok's weather in the newspaper, it shows a raincloud. Well, it's true! It rains and/or storms just about every day - sometimes in the morning, more often at night. The good part about it is that it's a bit cooler than it would be otherwise; the downside is that I often end up wet! The last 3 nights we've had some of the most intense lightning storms I've ever been in. I sat in the dark last night just looking out my glass windows and doors, awestruck by the power of God. The shots of lightning were almost blinding and the storm went on for at least few hours...
Cello section!
Boom, one of the 6 cellists in 5th Grade (we have 2 "Boom"'s in that class - "Cello Boom" and "Violin Boom" -
and a "Bam": makes for a "dynamic" class! ; ) groaned the other day as she was taking her instrument home, "The cello is
too big!" I wanted to say, "I've been thinking that for
years..." but instead the teacher in me gave an enthusiastic, "Yes, but it has such a deep, beautiful sound that it's worth it!!" Poor girl. I'm afraid she's already day-dreaming of playing the piccolo.
And here's me with Kaymee, resident violin-tuner and bridge-setter-upper extraodinaire!
My 5th Grade
Kamyee, my wonderful 5th Grade strings assistant, took these pictures during class last Thursday. I'm so proud of the students! They are working so hard and are really coming along!
International Night 2008
I have about decided that "International Night" is my favorite ICS event. I just got back from the show and dinner and it was so much fun! It's always so cool to see the students in their national, traditional dress and to learn more about their culture. And I'm always blown away by the talent of our students! In my opinion, it's as good (if not better) as some of the tourist Thai cultural shows I've been to. There was some incredible dancing, singing and music-making tonight! My favorite dances, costumes and food are still Indian, I think, although the Taiwanese "Kung fu" demonstration was pretty inspiring (makes me want to sign up for martial arts classes!), as were the Korean percussion ensemble and the Taiwanese and Chinese dances. There were a few more countries represented this year, with slide shows and national anthems sung from Canada, New Zealand and the Phillipines, but sadly the US was probably the least well done, with only an attempt at "God Bless the USA" (and our food table was again almost all desserts; no wonder Americans weigh so much more than Asians! Sigh...)
This year was doubly fun because Tang, my Thai friend (and MTW intern) came with me for the evening. It was fun to introduce her to my students and see her reaction to all of the acts. She obviously had a deeper appreciation for what it took to put together the Thai dances, but interestingly enough, her favorite acts and food seemed to be from Korea. She ate very little Thai food and went straight for the sushi and kimchi! Having her there was a treat. : )
